A Tomato to the Face
by Cerulean PenFoil
Summary: Spain is still adorable no matter how oblivious he is,and no matter how much he gets involved in silly escapades. A collection of various AU oneshots revolving around Spain. Rated T for Romano as usual
1. Fish,Fish

**A/N: **And here I am again! I'm on a Spain craze right now, and I wanted to try my hand at writing humor (because I absolutely have little to no sense of humor). Please don't forget to review after reading, I'd love to know what you think (even if it's to complain about how much I need improvement.. ehem.) And this thing will be AU, depending on its setting after all.

**Disclaimer:** I obviously do not own Hetalia. If I did, Spain will be showing off his sexy ass more often.

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><p>Little Antonio Fernandez Carriedo enjoyed the outdoors. He liked to walk around town and mingle with the people. It wouldn't hurt to share a smile to brighten someone's day, right?<p>

On one particularly sunny day, Antonio decided to visit his good friend's house. Surely Bella would welcome him, or if he was lucky, might join him on his regular walk. Bella was new after all, she just moved from Belgium. On her first day, he cheerfully introduced himself to her and managed to make her acquaintance. The second day, he helped her settle down in her house. (And the Belgian treats she offered him were truly delicious. He felt sorry he hadn't brought her some of his paella!) He visited her from time to time, and enjoyed her pleasant company.

With a sunny smile already plastered on his face and some paella he packed for her, he walked right up her front door and politely knocked. No answer. Antonio tilted his head curiously and shifted his hold on the paella. Maybe he knocked too softly and she didn't hear. His smile as bright as ever, he knocked again. Twice. Thrice. Okay, so his knuckles were beginning to hurt at his constant rapping. Stepping back he stared blankly at the door as he heard the faint patter of feet and rustling of fabric. Bella's here! Thank goodness. He thought she wasn't home.

Antonio tilted his head a little to greet his friend. Bella was taller than him by a few inches. He quietly wondered when he'd reach puberty too. Girls seemed to have all the luck, outgrowing boys earlier. She was cute, her blonde hair curling and framing her face as she grinned and beckoned him in.

"I came to give you this! It's paella. I made it!" exclaimed the little Spaniard as he handed the surprised girl his homemade treat. "Thank you, Antonio. Would you like to eat with me?" "Uh, I actually wanted to ask you if you'd join me for a walk around town. It's warm and sunny outside! We can check out the shops or pass by the market. Or if you like, we could-" Antonio's excited ramble was cut off by a gasp from Bella. "I forgot!" "Huh? Forgot what, Bella?" Antonio watched as the Belgian hurriedly dashed inside the kitchen where the sounds of pots and pans clanging echoed in furious cacophony.

Antonio's eyebrows shot up as the smell of freshly caught fish wafted in the air. Did she just go fishing? Bella returned to where he was, a basket of fish in her arms. "Would you do me a favor? I'm sorry I can't go on a walk with you today. My older brother is visiting later and I need to get things ready for him. Also, I wanted to sell these fishes in the market, but I don't have enough time! Please, Antonio, just do this for me and I'll repay you. I'll walk with you next time and cook you something nice too!" the girl's mild ramble all floated in Antonio's mind, jumbled pieces of a puzzle he was still trying to make sense out of. It took a good few minutes of silence before Bella's truly sunk in, and the realization hit him like a tomato to the face. "Oh! So you mean instead of you coming along on this walk it'll be the fish?"

Bella flashed him a smile, although it seemed quite strained. Maybe her friend was just a little slow on the thought processes. Or maybe she had spoken too fast. "Yes Antonio, would you be so kind as to take these fish with you, and go around town." To sell them, of course. She was sure the entire basket would sell out in no time, knowing how charmingly irresistible the little boy's smiles were. "Can you do this favor for me please? I promise I'll make you a treat when you come back!" "Okay!" came Antonio's delighted reply.

The moment he was outside the house and walking along the streets, he hummed a cheerful tune to himself and smiled at passersby. The sun was warm and bright, the birds were chirping delightfully, as if greeting him. The smell of pastries from a nearby bakery wafted to his nose and he chuckled to himself. The colorful street shops were tempting him to drop by and take a look. And those lovely tomatoes sold at the market! How he'd love to eat one right now. He glanced at the basket of fishes in his hand. "Fish! Fish!" He cooed with a dreamy smile. Just think, he and these fishes would have the time of their lives touring around the city. Surely, Bella would enjoy all the stories they'd be sharing afterward. But still…why dead fishes? He really didn't know.

"Fish! Fish!" Antonio continued to croon in a loud, cheerful voice. The market loomed nearer in view and he added a skip to his step. Where oh where could the tomatoes be? Those lovely red- oh wait, he still had to show the fishes around the market, like Bella asked him to. "Fish! Fish!" Women buying their groceries would sometimes glance his way or flash him accommodating smiles of their own. Some of the older women would tilt their heads his way and one of them even peered into his basket. Perhaps they knew who the dead yet still fresh fishes belonged to? "Fish! Fish! Look, we're at the market now." Antonio raised the basket high and grinned. He skipped along the crowded streets, the noise from the market buzzing in his ears.

"Hey! You with the basket of fish, stop!" a voice shouted amidst the raucous, busy buyers and sellers. Antonio slackened his pace before halting completely to turn his head in the direction of the voice. A boy about the same age as he was running towards him. "Si?" "Y-you-" the other boy huffed as he finally stopped to catch his breath, glaring at Antonio with dark emerald eyes. Antonio offered another smile as he waited for the other to start talking again. The other kid looked sort of cute with a pale blond mop of hair framing his face and complementing his eyes, if only he didn't have such horridly thick eyebrows ruining it all. "Si?" Antonio prodded gently when the other boy finally straightened up to dust his shirt.

The blond with the caterpillar eyebrows frowned a little before speaking up, "H-how much?" At this, Antonio blinked. And blinked in silence some more. "Are you deaf? I asked how much." By now, the other boy was growing impatient at his silence. "Para que?" It seemed the blond only grew more irritated at Antonio's sudden reverting to his native Spanish. The mist of confusion still lingered in his head as he tried to comprehend. "How much are you willing to sell the fish for?" the other kid all but screamed at him.

And there it was, another tomato to his face.

"Huh? But these aren't for sale." Antonio replied simply. A shrug of his shoulders emphasized his point. It was the blond boy's turn to look surprised. His huge eyebrows shot up in shock and he reddened, although from embarrassment or anger, Antonio didn't know.

"B-but, you were calling out! You were selling those fishes just a while ago, shouting, 'Fish! Fish!' all over the marketplace. Now you're suddenly changing your mind? Is this because of my eyebrows again?" This time the blond boy was huffing in anger, glaring darkly at the bewildered Spaniard.

"But these really aren't for sale! We're just going around town." Antonio reasoned out, seeing that the blond kid was wanting very much to hit his face right now for the embarrassment caused. Then a brilliant idea crossed his mind just as the other boy's face was inches from his face, and those horrible eyebrows nearly touching his own.

He grinned amiably at the other's angry face and exclaimed, "Wanna come along?"

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><p><strong>AN:** Please review and tell me what you think. The next part will be about Spain and Romano. Also, I had to make Bella at least a little more 'big sister'-like in this one. I enjoyed writing England. (He's still adorable, who cares about his eyebrows?)


	2. A Spanish Country Bumpkin in the City

**A/N: **This one has Romano in it! This one is still AU, and a bit inspired by the story of the Country Mouse and the City Mouse. I hope you guys enjoy! Please review after reading, because reviews brighten my day and inspire me to write more! Also, a warning for Romano's nosebleed-inducing use of coarse language.

**Disclaimer:** Do we really have to keep doing this? I obviously don't own Hetalia and all of its characters. (Because I wasn't responsible for making Spain look so hot and act so clueless at the same time!)

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><p>"Damn! That tomato bastard probably got lost!" exclaimed an irate Lovino Vargas as he paced the lobby of the expensive hotel. He glared at his watch for the hundredth time that day. The fucking tomato bastard was running late for three hours! <em>Three fucking hours<em>! Seriously, Lovino had taken the necessary precautions and armed that idiot Spaniard with a wristwatch, enough money to pay for cab fares, a map of the city, and hell he even bought him a _compass_ just in case he still didn't get it. And still the jerk hadn't arrived. Maybe Lovino should have bought him a phone instead. But then again, that clueless Spanish country bumpkin wouldn't know how to use one anyway.

Okay, so now he was at his limit. It was already six in the evening! There would be a buffet later at seven and he wanted to be first in line! Lovino definitely _wasn't_ worried about the bastard. He leaned against the wall to rest from his frenzied pacing hours ago. In a dark corner of his mind though, he knew it would be entirely his fault if his friend got lost in the huge, bustling city. Antonio Fernandez Carriedo came from the simple, picturesque countryside. This might be his very first time traveling to the city. It would be a whole new world out here for him.

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><p>Lovino met Antonio years ago when he was merely a boy. He and his family went on a summer vacation and he ended up lost and left behind in the countryside. There he crossed paths with a kind Spanish farmer, his wife and his two sons. Staying under their care for a few months (since nobody probably missed him anyway), he formed an unlikely friendship with the farmer's younger son, Antonio. Lovino sure complained about the lesser conditions he was subjected to, but what irritated and yet fascinated him at the same time was Antonio himself.<p>

It was the cheerful Spaniard who showed him around the countryside. The vast meadows under the full bloom of spring, the clear brooks and streams with its cool waters, the wide fields, the little town full of happy and contented people who could care less about their simplistic lives, and lastly; the garden where Antonio grew tomatoes. And Lovino grew obsessed with tomatoes ever since. He had no idea it was hard to grow all those tomatoes! He had it easy since he lived in the city, and they served all kinds of mouth-watering food with tomatoes. He only had to spend some money to buy tomatoes, but Antonio worked extra hard just to grow them!

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><p>Okay, so he had decided to show Antonio his world as payment for what the Spaniard did all those years ago. (And it was a good thing his grandpa and his little brother managed to find him or else he would have been stuck living in the countryside!) Now Lovino huffed irritably as he sneaked a glance at his watch. He had invited Antonio to the city for another reason. He wanted to wipe off that contented smile off the tomato bastard's face and prove to him that city life was way better than life in the countryside. But how could he rub that fact in the idiot's face if he wasn't even here yet?<p>

Lovino sighed in resignation as he paced the lobby once again. Antonio would surely miss the buffet. Too bad he had yet to taste all the sumptuous meals, the mouth-watering desserts, the intoxicating wine. His simple meals of bread, tomatoes and the occasional paella (if he had enough money to buy the rest of the ingredients, that is) would be no match for all famous cuisine served in the city. Lovino nearly had a heart attack when an annoyingly familiar scream of pure joy broke his train of thought and pierced his ears. No man was allowed to carry a pitch as high and as intense as that, right?

He whirled around to face the person and send them to hell with his darkest glare, but failed when he was tackled to the floor in a bone-crushing hug by a plainly dressed Spanish bastard cooing endearments to him in Spanish. "Oh Lovi! I finally found you! I missed you so much. I brought some of my best tomatoes for you!" At that, Lovino decided to put off strangling the jerk for making him wait for five freaking hours. At least the idiot was smart enough to bring some of those delicious tomatoes!

"Do you know how late you are, bastard? You totally missed the buffet! You missed all the best cuisine, and I'm not buying you dinner!" "Oh don't be so mean, Lovi. I'm here now, okay. I actually made it!" Antonio laughed as they awkwardly got up from the polished hotel floor. "Which reminds me, why the fucking hell did it take you five hours to get here?" demanded an annoyed Lovino as he snatched one of the Spaniard's bags. Antonio quieted down for a few minutes, lost in thought as he stared blankly at the hotel's revolving doors.

"Well? Don't fucking tell me you forgot how you even got here! Did you use the map I gave you? And have you never checked your watch for the time?" "But you know time isn't all that significant, Lovi! What's the hurry, we-" Lovino cut Antonio off before he could finish a pointless ramble. "Look, here in the city, time is _gold_! And-hey, you didn't answer my first question!" "You asked too many questions, Lovi! I've lost count!" _Chigi. _Of course the idiot would lose count. He had the attention span of a _toddler_! "Hmm, I did use the map. The cab driver just didn't understand." And now he's blaming a cab driver for his obvious stupidity. Lovino sighed once more before beginning to walk away, his friend's bag in tow. "Follow me, you useless tomato bastard or you might get lost in this fucking hotel." Lovino had Antonio check-in at the counter, and he took the room key handed to them.

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><p>The Spaniard was happily narrating his adventures traveling in the city just to reach the hotel. Tomorrow he would give the jerk a breath-taking, mind-blowing tour of the entire city and teach him a thing or two about the luxuries of living in it. Antonio was such an oblivious simpleton that from the moment he charged in through those doors, people had stared at his rather shameless display of affection. He tuned out the tomato bastard's senseless rambling and contemplated on all the things he could do and show to his friend.<p>

He fought back the blush creeping on his face as he imagined the two of them riding on a gondola (with Antonio making an absolute fool of himself of course!) Unfortunately, his blush had not receded fast enough and a warm hand pinched his cheek. "You're blushing so much Lovi! You look like a tomato, the cutest tomato I've ever seen!" Antonio crooned, amusement coating his words as he continued to squeal in delight while the irritated Italian attempted to push him away.

"You can put the bag down, jerk." silence greeted him as Antonio flashed him a confused look. "Set the bag down so you can rest, fucking tomato bastard!" he growled out when Antonio refused to comply. Did the Spaniard suddenly have a fear of small, enclosed spaces?

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><p>The Italian leaned against the wall as he glared vehemently at the other man as he felt the dull jolt of movement. And then… "Why the fucking hell are you looking at me like that?" he snapped, his temper getting the best of him as Antonio looked a little put off as well.<p>

"Lovi, I know I'm just this silly and plain country boy who knows nothing but growing tomatoes in your eyes, but-" "But fucking what? Wanna go home right now because you can't handle a bit of luxury and extravagance in the city?" Antonio shook his head slowly, his sparkling emerald eyes staring intently at him. "I know I'm just some poor country boy, but you don't have to trick me like this!" he all but wailed, those eyes very nearly watering. Lovino shrank back a bit at the sudden change in his companion's mood. Why was the jerk being so melodramatic, and what the hell was he going on about now?

"What the fucking hell are you talking about? I haven't tricked you in any way, I swear! That would defeat the purpose of me proving to you that the city is better than the countryside! If you feel everything is so fucking complicated, then widen your horizons, damn it!" Another moment of silence between them. Lovino refusing to look directly at the Spaniard shuffling awkwardly by his side.

"T-then why is my room like _this_? It's small and too cramped! There's no bed, and no windows too! I paid so much for something expensive and all, and this is all I _get_?" Antonio bawled half-disappointed, half-annoyed. His despairing look in Lovino's direction was what drove the Italian to the edge. He didn't hold back and burst out laughing. The look on the tomato bastard's face was absolutely priceless! So far, this had to be the best expression he'd managed to elicit from the clueless Spaniard.

"Fucking tomato bastard, damn it! I can't stop laughing!" he exclaimed as he twisted around, holding his shaking sides in pain from all his laughter. "Then stop laughing, it's not funny!" came Antonio's low whine of resignation.

"Hey, you absolutely clueless jerk! How clueless _and_ stupid can you get?" Lovino mumbled as his laughter subsided. "Huh?" was the only intelligent response Antonio could come up with.

"Sir," he uttered in mock seriousness before reverting to his usual biting sarcasm, "We're still in the fucking _elevator_! You're way too excited, damn it!" he exclaimed. And right now, Lovino wished he had brought a camera along with him. This new expression on Antonio's face was nothing like he'd ever seen before! "Now who resembles a tomato now, tomato bastard?"

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><p><strong>AN:** I hope you guys enjoyed it. I'm sorry to those who didn't. (I did warn you guys that I have really fail!sense of humor.) Please review and tell me what you think. Was it okay or not? I'm sorry if there wasn't any blatant romantic SpaMano in this one, but it had to be so for the fic to work out.


	3. Moral Support

**A/N:** Well, this one's another SpaMano, although Spain barely has any dialogue in it, and it's mainly Romano doing his stuff. So I hope you guys enjoy this one! Please review afterwards, I'd like to know what you think. Thanks to all those who kindly reviewed for the previous ones! Usual warnings would be Romano's not-so-child-friendly mouth.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Hetalia. I never did. I'm just another one of those fans who can only dedicate silly fanfiction.

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><p>Romano huffed angrily as he made his way through the crowd. Stupid Spain! Why did he agree to watch the jerk perform in a bullfight? This wasn't even one of those officially planned events. Really, Spain was not using his head enough. A mixed throng of both nations and ordinary humans were crowding the corralled field that was to be the arena. The bastard hadn't planned anything right after all! If he remembered correctly though, it wasn't entirely the tomato bastard's fault.<p>

In fact, Romano wanted to bite America's head off right now for suggesting a bullfight-rodeo sort of event for both fund-raising and amusement purposes. And although there were a several objections (mainly from England), in the end the stupid jerk happily threw himself in front and volunteered to be the event's matador. America better be included in that bronco-busting part of the show or he was kicking that jerk's ass himself, England be damned! And why did they let America decide where to hold the event? A fucking football field, seriously?

At least America's suggestion seemed to have some good results. The crowds just continued pouring in. Several other nations mingled with the cacophonous throng, and Romano could faintly make out his fratello on one side, waving a white flag in his hand. He could see the damned potato bastard stick way too close to his fratello, but he was too far away to hurl something at the bastard's face though. And he had run out of tomatoes too.

He could see America in full cowboy outfit in the distance with England yelling heatedly at him. Good. Someone needed to berate the jerk or else his head would completely fill up with hamburgers later on. Scanning the crowd slowly entering the main gate, he identified other nations who came. At least it wasn't the entire world coming to watch such an impromptu event! Romano doubted he'd allow anyone to see bastard Spain make a fool out of himself, but the entire idea was America's so he'd have no qualms laughing his ass off if ever the hamburger bastard fell off his horse. Spain was nowhere to be seen yet, he was probably somewhere else and taking his time changing into his outfit.

Romano huffed and he mentally slapped himself. No thinking of that jerk Spain in those tight pants! No thinking of bastard Spain wearing red and gold and shaking his- Romano stifled a scream, quite frustrated that he had allowed his thoughts to wander into such deep and dangerous territory in record time. Argh! Damn it all. Even when that tomato bastard wasn't around, Romano's imagination was fully activated! He took a deep breath and pushed his traitorous thoughts into the deepest, darkest corner of his mind. No more thinking about that bastard, damn it!

Pushing his way against the other people trying to gain entrance, he finally made it nearer to the gate when a firm hand stopped him. He shot a withering glare at the man and snapped, "What the fucking hell do you want?" "You need to pay an entrance fee to watch this event, sir. Also, I have orders that no minors are allowed without a guardian." Fucking hell. Was this crazy jerk blind? Did he look like a minor? Hell, he was way older than any of them, if only they knew! And what was that about a guardian, eh? He didn't need a chaperon for this stupid crap. This event wasn't even one of those formally celebrated ones which drew even bigger crowds. The people here would merely be curious onlookers who probably had never seen bullfighting and rodeos in their entire lives!

Then how the hell did his fratello, who was way more childish than he was, get in already? His mind backpedaled to the scene earlier and he groaned. Potato bastard probably got him in by passing off as the supposed guardian. If his fratello needed protecting from anyone, it certainly was from that fucking potato bastard. Then how the hell was he supposed to get in now? He forgot to take some money along with him, and fucking hell, did they charge so expensively (probably America's silly idea again, or maybe it was his slightly convincing advertisements of the event).

Annoyed and insulted, Romano walked off to the side and glared. He stayed there without moving an inch, glaring at the people who were allowed entry. By now he could hear the excited shouts and the announcer's voice over the loudspeaker that the rodeo would be starting in a few minutes. Damn it. He wanted to see America get thrown out of his horse, even for a minute, and it would be enough. But the fucking guard at the gate wouldn't let him in. heck, he even let in that perverted wine bastard France and that annoying potato bastard #2 inside! Why couldn't he be allowed entry? If Spain's equally stupid friends could get in, why couldn't he when he was supposedly the tomato bastard's henchman?

As Romano watched the throng begin to thin out, some entering, some leaving to buy some snacks, he cursed his luck. Then he saw it. Two men had some horses along with them, obviously part of the rodeo show. Then a third lagged behind yelling excitedly about something, that Romano had to draw closer to hear. To his shock, the guards let them in without even asking for a fee. This set his brain to work.

If those men who brought those animals got in for free, perhaps if he brought his own then he would be granted entry. A devilish smirk made its way across his face. He would get in. and damn him if he didn't show up for bastard Spain. If the idiot won't get to see him at this stupid, pointless event he would probably cry a river and cling to Romano the following day. And Romano wanted to avoid that, especially if Spain clings to him in that-okay, so he wasn't going back there!

The guard glared at him as he confidently drew nearer. When he was about to slip past the wide open gate, the guard yelled at him to stop. "Hey! What do you think you're doing? What is that?"

Annoyed by the guard bitching on him again, Romano's temper snapped and he fixed the man a dark glare, "Well jerk, what do you think it is?" he retorted as he tried to push past. "I know what that animal is! But why a _calf_?" the guard asked, his tone incredulous as he stared at Romano.

The Italian rolled his eyes and tugged at the rope to goad the creature forward. "Duh! Can't you get any stupider? I swear you're even worse than that tomato bastard!" He forcefully pushed past the slightly surprised guard who was still sputtering and trying to string a comprehensible sentence.

Romano paused, grinning madly at the guard and at the rest of the people still waiting in a line. "The bull's in this bullfight, jerk! So I brought his calf for moral support!"

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><p><strong>AN:** Crappy ending, yeah. Couldn't think straight anymore as I typed the final dialogues, too sleepy. Please review, I need moral support too!


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